Geek For E!

TwitView: “A Cure For Wellness”

Promising start, horrible-in-a-bad-way finish.  In-between is a whole lot of horror padding, and a waste of gorgeous cinematography and production design.  If you must head out to see this derivative mess, watch the first 40 minutes, then head home and write the rest in your head.  I guarantee it’ll be better than what goes on onscreen.

“Warcraft” – so, that happened.

Warcraft (2016)At a hair over two hours, Warcraft feels like four.  That’s a hint and a half for your poor theater-seat tuchas, and your poor confused brain.  Confused?  Yep; because all through Warcraft there will be one overwhelming question on your mind:

What the [RADIO EDIT] is going on here?

I don’t know.  Wish I could tell you.  And apparently the screenwriters, director and cast don’t know either.  Pity.  The trailer was awesome.  Really had me psyched for this.  Unfortunately, a muddled script that feels like nobody bothered to check continuity when rewrites hit, hobbled this film.  Crippled it beyond any hope of salvation.

Pity, as the cast is as game as they can be, considering they all have the shell-shocked look of ones who know they’ve made a horrible, horrible mistake that they’ll never be able to walk away from.

Plot?  Here ’tis: stop the Orcs.  That’s it.

Writer/Director Duncan Jones obviously got too close to his film, and apparently had nobody to tell him that nothing made sense.  And that’s a pity crying shame, because Warcraft is gorgeous to look at.  Art direction, costuming, set design; it’s all very well done.

Don’t bother, unless you’re a diehard D&D, Fantasy or of course a WoW fan.

“Gods of Egypt” is a godawful, glorious mess

gods of egyptNutshell: Can something be awful and amazing at the same time?  Well, Gods of Egypt is certainly giving it its best shot.  With crazy action scenes, a nutso plot, and CGI that feels like the SyFy channel and 1999’s The Mummy had a lovechild of doom, this film tries for Glorious Epic and comes off 50s Throwback.  And I haven’t even started on my #GodsSoWhite rant yet.  Bumping this up half a grade for its sheer balls, and for Geoffrey Rush’s weird fishtail braid.  Grade: C-

“Oh, bother.”

Nope, that quote above isn’t from Winnie the Pooh.  Well okay, it is.  But it’s also here in Gods of Egypt.  And not only is it spoken by one of the “Gods”, it’s probably what every member of the cast and crew thought to themselves once the reality of this movie really set in.  But hey, everyone’s got a mortgage that needs to be paid, amirite?

Director Alex Proyas seems determined to complete the downward spiral he’s started after his work on 1994’s brilliant Brandon Lee superhero flick The CrowI, Robot, Knowing, and now this…movie.  Gods of Egypt is like the world’s craziest D&D campaign run amok, where the DM has taken the rule book, the mythos for the world, and any semblance of coherence, and chucked ’em all out the window.  But if you’re ready to settle in — after a few beers or better yet, several shots of the strongest liquor in your cabinet (something white, to set the mood) — I’ll dig a bit deeper so you know what you’ll be getting yourself into.

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TwitView: Vacation

vacation onesheet

No.  Just no.  Don’t go.  Grade: D

If someone took National Lampoons Vacation, Jackass, and a slew of poop, barf and ‘nads jokes, put ’em in a blender…it’d still be better than this film.  Vacation manages to waste every opportunity to do something more than aim for the lowest common denominator, all the while telegraphing each joke so you know exactly what’s coming next.  (Doesn’t help that the trailers spoil everything that could have been funny if I hadn’t already seen ’em over and over again on TV.)

You know the drill; Griswolds head to Wally World.  The end.  Yep, that’s it.  Son/now-dad Rusty packs his wife and two boys into the obligatory hideous car and hits the road.  Even with cameos from truly talented comics — not to mention the probably court-mandated scenes Chevy Chase and Beverly D’Angelo were forced into — this never got more than a chuckle from me.

Caveat: Norman Reedus has a cameo that steals the show.  He’s funnier in his silence than the rest of the cast are with their “jokes” and slapstick.  I’m sure you’ll be able to hit up YouTube to catch that tidbit very soon — the Daryl Dixon Army is a strong one — if you’re curious.  It’s the best part of a decidedly tepid rehash of cringe-worthy sight gags, sexism and shaming.

Many of the folks at the screening I attended guffawed through this travesty.  Perhaps they were so glad they weren’t watching Pixels they’d laugh at anything.